The glass seemed fuller when I ordered my drink. Oh well, it wouldn’t be the first time that I was slighted. Look at me, I was on top of the world a week ago, money in my pocket, love in the air (literally, I blew up 2 lovebirds) and not a doubt in my mind that I would be crowned the best Matchmaker in the land. Alas, the life of a villain isn’t all glitz and glam, we villains have it tougher than the rest. This memoir is to all aspiring villains out there, it’s a message to not give up when the world is against you and it’s a call to arms to once and for all carve your place in history and TAKE BACK WHAT’S YOURS!
I received a call about finding a match for a poor, useless soul in a competition. Harley was away on some kind of wellness retreat, go figure, so I had some free time ahead and thought, why not? What better way could I find to spend my time than to help someone ruin their life forever, oh and I had a brand new suit that I was dyingggg to wear!
During my intial research, which consisted of looking at a picture and performing a quick Google search, hey I’m a busy clown, I found out that this Malboro fellow was stacked! He’d made so much money off of the Final Fantasy Franchise that it was ridiculous, and he is a villain! A man or plant after my own heart. So I thought, why not use his fortunes to better the world for other villains, I was a philantrophist, a villain’s rights activist, a pillar of the community for crime and self gain. It was my responsibility to bring him into the fold.
Poison Ivy was the best option. She loves little green men, am I right? She agreed to marry him so that we can have access to his money, but she refused to dispose of him so that we can get filthy rich! All I did was make a little call to my notary and had him adjust the marriage certificate that both Ivy and Malboro were to sign before the wedding. I added in a little clause of life insurance saying that should something happen to both the bride and the groom, that the sole beneficiary of all of their property would be… well ME!
As the two lovebirds said their vows and engaged in a life of marriage, I remembered how marriage can put stress on a relationship. I remembered how my parents were after a few years, after the novelty of love wore off. I didn’t want my dear friend Ivy or new comrade in vile villainy to go through the hardships of a relationship crumbling. I wanted them to be happy, with smiles on their faces for the rest of their lives… So I blew them up! Not out of greed or the convenient life insurance policy that I was about to cash in, but for the love. For endless love! They died together on the happiest day of their lives, with smiles from ear to ear. Read their love story by clicking here!
But no one understood. I was being called a selfish heathen. Even the millions of dollars that I inherited didn’t make me feel better. But, I was able to buy some new gadgets! There’s only one thing that makes me feel better… total chaos!
“Pour me another round barkeep! Hello?” Grabbing for the bottle of Jack left on the counter. “It’s hard to find quality service these days.” I gulp down a few swigs straight from the bottle. Sirens are screeching outside, the loud crash of chaos turns my frown into the devious smile that i’ve missed these past hours. “They’re here!” I wipe my mouth and pour the rest of the drink on the bar, passing the unconscious bartender.
Reaching into my pocket I bring out the small, lighter, with the features of it’s master. I slide my thumb over the protruding white nose of the clown in disgust and flick open the top of the clown’s head. “Hmm I’ve got to talk to the patent office, this doesn’t look that much like me.” Fire!
“It’s showtime!” I light the end of my cigar that I have taken off of the bartender. “Can’t let this go to waste.” 3 Puffs and the clown lighter goes flying through the air as I walk onto the streets of rage where my minions have gathered. I rally my protege’s in the most invigorating speech since brave heart! “We will take back what’s ours! We Will rule as the princes of the world. Today, is the day of the Clown and this time, we’re not joking around!” Another rush of tears, this is the 2nd happiest day of my life! Now the real games can begin!
Thank you for reading the first installment of Memoirs of a Villain. This series of fun posts will serve as a Memoir or Journal entry from some of my favorite villains. A few months ago I purchased a cool Journal that had the Joker on it and the first few pages of the journal had a journal entry from the Joker in it. I thought this was really cool and I came up with the idea to do journal entries from famous villains for the blog. I started with my favorite the Joker and used the friendly Blogger Blitz competition as his motive. Tune in next week to see who’s taking their turn!